Tears (Número Dos)

If you have ever read my blog over the past 10 months you know that I am not the most consistent of bloggers, but I figured my previous post needed a hastier follow-up so that you don't think that I've transitioned into one of those weirdo diary type blogs that seems like a hacking up of T.M.I. or petty gripes or blundering slurs...But I'm not an idiot to scare away my 2 readers (I hope anyway)...

I think that I'm still staying true to the vision of my blog: "Life often is a blur, so I intend to blog as a way to slow down or steal the rush and linger on a concept, experience, Scripture verse, quote, video, obsession, gripe, or a person..."

So, taking a new medication for ADHD has kinda forced me to slow down...or at least my mind seems a little more settled. I said at the end of the previous post that the melancholy which is a side effect of the medication has acted as a primer of sorts. With this medication I get sad sometimes to the point of tears throughout the day. Sometimes I have no idea why...my wife will notice a somberness, ask if I'm grumpy...I'm quick to say that I'm not grumpy!...but notice that I am indeed sad. Other times I'm moved by someone else's story...I've recently been enamored by the story and life of a pastor named Britt Merrick. His little girl has had cancer and just recently it came back with a vengeance. What moves me to worship Jesus is the rawness of Britt's love and trust of Jesus. I want Jesus to be my only delight. Still other times I feel the weight of being a daddy to my unique babies ferocious in love and protection...and a husband willing to die to myself for their beautiful mommy. And I tear up at my past and present failures, but also at the faithfulness of Jesus to bless me despite me. More than anything, even if none of them understand it, they need Jesus to be my delight and portion above them and anything. The melancholy has caused me to ponder on the things of most importance, which leads me to the realization of my inadequacy, and then to the abounding adequacy of Jesus.

I don't worship my medicine...but I think in His paradoxical way that He likes to move, God has used the side effects of the medicine to bring sensation back to my numbed emotions and draw me closer to him and farther from me. I'm confident that if I stopped the medicine, Jesus has given me a deeper and broader understanding of The Gospel...for our sake, He made Him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in Him we might become the righteousness of God...and a deeper affection for Him so that whether in blessing or suffering I can cry hard at His goodness, majesty, mystery, power, and beauty.

For Your Beautiful Name, Jesus.