There is an Irony in Tears

As a boy I think I cried a lot. I cried when I got hurt, when I got angry, when I was embarrassed, and when I was denied; as I matured I cried not so much over pain but over remorse for sin, the death of people I knew, and I can't think of a lot of other things (even when I broke my leg the tears I cried were more from emotions than pain). The asinine notion that boys don't cry transitioned for me into the idea that men don't cry. And despite the occasional flow when I felt guilty or the reality of death hit my life I developed an emotional constipation. This resulted in numbness, hardness, and despite a desire to cry, the inability to do so. I even developed a bitterness towards myself for not being able to cry. But in some form of mockery I would feel that tingling sensation under my eyes for people or situations I had no ties to what so ever. I say mockery because oh how the reality smothered me that I was so screwed up that I could feel the weight of life, the gut wrenching pain at times, and had no other outlet but rage. The rage would just scrape even more at the scars and drive the numbness deeper. I just wanted to cry, to bawl, and not have the thought of "you're crying...there's no need for that"...and it abruptly shut off, and the emotions abruptly sucked back inside into obscurity, into non-reality...and I would continue to drone on. I wanted to cry so hard that my body shook and I couldn't speak. There is an irony in tears. There is a rightness that wells with tears. I think people that have uninhibited tears could probably explain it better than me. I've heard a woman once describe how she secures a time to be alone to cry. She would put on some sad music and just cry. I just wanted to cry.

I just want to cry.

I don't cry. It sucks. But I'm hopeful that I am regaining a sensation, and though I consider it to be manufactured, I think that once tears flow, it probably becomes easier for them to flow the next time and the next. I say it's manufactured because depression is a side effect of the medicine I'm currently taking. I feel a melancholy quite often which has led me to experience that tingling sensation multiple times a day. I have even had tears enough to wipe way. You might be thinking that I'm joking. I can't possibly appreciate this. That this may even be an unhealthy fascination. Let me explain.

There is this theological reality called common grace. Specific or salvific grace is the Grace God extends through Jesus' crucifixion and resurrection to reconcile wicked humanity to Himself. Common grace is the goodness God extends to all humanity to better life. Every human experiences billions of common graces in his or her life. Scripture teaches that what humans intend for evil, He is able to and often do use for good. This means that almost anything can be labeled a common grace. My medicine is a common grace. It is designed to help me focus. But the melancholy I think has acted as a primer of sorts. And so I'm hopeful.

When I started writing this post I was not certain of the direction and have managed to go long. So I'll write a follow-up post to unpack all of this even further.